young modern.

Lesson learned today: you gotta think with your own brain because in the end, you know best.

Ok, so I have this teacher whom I really want to impress, and it's precisely that reason why I always seem to fail horribly in her class. It doesn't help that she's an ice-queen, a harsh critic, and just plain intimidating. And it's not like she doesn't have the right to be that way. She's a book illustrator. A damn good one. She wins awards and shit. And  because she has done so successfully in one of my dream jobs, I look up to her as much as I hate/ fear her.

I make beautiful artworks when I am NOT in her class. Once I start on something in her class, I tend to try too hard and end up making stupid decisions because I want to please her. Her subtlest comments can make or break me. I've churned out some pretty horrible stuff in her class, stuff I wouldn't make if I weren't in such a state of anxiety.

Anyway, today I decided that was all going to change. I decided it was absolutely ridiculous how anxious I'd get before her class and how desperately I wanted to please her to the point that I wasn't enjoying learning anymore. Besides, her opinion is not the be-all and end-all of my career as an illustrator. Even if I consistently bomb in her class, it doesn't mean I can't carve out a career of my own.

Also, I decided I was tired of trying to please her and consistently failing, and realized that I never would anyway, and so I might as well just create to please myself, final assessment be damned. And so with that mindset, I walked into her classroom not giving a f*ck to put it mildly. It  helped that today's medium was chalk pastels, which I am quite comfortable with.

I laid my paper out on the table. She pointed out that it had ugly creases all over it. I gave her a tight lipped smile. E anong magagawa ko, diba?

I started on my still-life drawing amidst an out-of-nowhere lecture she was giving to the class about how if we wanted a career, we all had to grow up because if we didn't care, then she didn't give a damn about us either. Up yours, maam.

I attacked my work with focus and confidence, I knew what I was doing, and I was working in the natural way I like to work.

Half-way through, she pointed out that my work was getting muddy and that instead of working it, I should just start a new one instead. I gave her a tight-lipped smile, and turned my focus back to my work, shutting her out.

T*ngina mo. Feeling mo ba ikaw lang ang may alam kung paano mag-chalk pastel? Feeling mo ikaw lang ang magaling? You don't know everything. You're not God. You're not the alpha and omega of my future s an artist. I will be better than you someday purely out of revenge, and I will do it my way.

My classmate came over and glanced at my work. "It's looking good, Ala."

"Thanks, I'll remember that when I get my 60-mark." (A 60 is a passing grade, but an un-special one).

I didn't give a damn. Maybe my work sucked, but I could only do what I knew how to do. And frankly, I didn't care what she thought anymore. I was doing it my way, the only way I knew how to do things, and the way I did it best. It was all about making me happy. Me, me, me.

Throughout the class she kept passing by, shooting meaningful glances at my work, and keeping silent (which admittedly made me just a little nervous). But soon my drawing started to come together, just like I knew it would.

By class's end, I handed my work in. "It's very nice", she said.

That stunned me. Wow. She's never said anything nice about anything I've made. The fortress I had been holding up against her all day went down long enough for me to mutter a rather sincere "thank you". Suddenly I didn't  hate her so much.

Major demon slayed today.  I've got its severed head on a stick.

2nd lesson learned today: magpakatotoo ka!